Today I had to set spacial boundaries with a loved one. This was a very hard decision, but not having these boundaries in the past has come at the cost of my mental health.
Having boundaries is a normal part of healthy loving relationships. They allow us to clarify parameters, sort out what feelings are whose to carry, and define where one’s experience ends and another’s and begins.
The boundaries I set today specified that I was too angry to do emotional processing and that I would return to the situation when my heart was more clear. The person I expressed this to did not take it well, they experienced it as a personal attack on their character and continued to try to contact me after I requested space.
Eventually I had to disconnect from them completely. Upholding this boundary I felt sadness and disconnect in my heart.
Upholding boundaries can be difficult, isolating and scary, particular with abusive people who experience boundaries as a threat. They may even use guilt as a tool to coax you into crossing your boundary.
Reminder:
We are not obligated to share space, time or energy with people who don’t treat us with love, empathy, or respect. It does not matter if they are long time friends, a lover, or immediate family.
I do not have to spend time in places which are lacking in love.
Neither do you.
I had to remind myself that it is better to be alone and firm in my self love and integrity than to stay in the presence of non-love just to escape the discomfort of having to confront my fear of loneliness.
Staying in non-love is the perpetuation of maya, it is an illusionary escape. It is not actually more comfortable because staying in it requires one to sacrifice parts of their reality in order to be accepted/loved. Knowing this, I hold firm to my personal boundary of leaving a space when it fails to be loving. There is a song by Nina Simone which I love called You’ve Got to Learn. One line says: “You’ve got to learn to leave the table when love’s no longer being served.” Its a line that resonates a lot with me today. To have boundaries is to honour and protect our energy. If love is no longer being served where you are, you have a right to leave.